Full disclosure: my goal at the end of this list is to make you want to punch something. The wall. Your laptop. The jackass buying last-minute flowers at the supermarket for his girlfriend and his cute coworker. I want you to get so angry that your body becomes a vessel fueled by the universal hatred of single people everywhere, threatening to spill forth from your fingers into the face of the next fat baby angel you see, and then — when you don’t think you can take anymore — you’ll just . . . go to a bar.
DRINK EVERY TIME . . .
1. Anyone who isn’t your boyfriend, girlfriend and/or significant other wishes you Happy Valentine’s Day
2. You get invited to a Singles-Only Party
3. You hear Taylor Swift anywhere (and add a drink every time thereafter)
4. Someone posts a Facebook status about how in love they are
5. Someone calls Valentine’s Day a stupid, corporate holiday and declares how happy they are to be single
6. You see one of these bad boys:
TAKE 2 DRINKS EVERY TIME . . .
1. Someone Instagrams their engagement ring (add two if that person is an ex)
2. Somebody asks why you’re still single
3. You go out to dinner and the waiter asks how many in your party
4. You see someone eating their feelings
5. You decide to eat your feelings
FINISH YOUR DRINK IF . . .
1. You end up on Pinterest, looking at wedding stuff
2. You end up on Thought Catalog, reading “The Perks of Being Single”
